The Truth About Breastfeeding

I am STILL BRESTFEEDING.

I have been nursing Princess for 16 months and I have got to say, I. AM. OVER. IT.

I know there are moms out there who nursed their babies until 8 years of age or something. That’s great. Good for you. I have no desire to follow suit.

I nursed Roo and Baby Girl for about a year and a half each. Both weaned themselves. It was easy-peasy.

With Princess, I assumed the same would happen.

Nope. Not even close.

Princess LOVES the boob. In fact, she has a favorite side. Yep. All I can figure is my right boob must produce chocolate milk because it is now 3 times larger than my left.

I’m not sure if it is because I am “an older mom” this round or if it’s because I have a much more busy life than I did so many years ago; more likely, it has to do with the fact that if Princess isn’t hanging off from me, then she is reaching down my shirt trying to rip my nipple off while squawking, “Nur Nur”, but it recently occurred to me how insane breastfeeding your baby really is.

Stay with me for a second and hear me out.

What is the first picture that comes to mind when you hear the word “breastfeeding”?

For me, it’s always been the same ideal scene:

A mother, with long hair, gazing down blissfully at her nursing infant. She’s in a rocking chair with an blanket folded over the back. The light is dim. She and her baby are so peaceful.

I’m 3 babies in and I STILL VISUALIZE THAT when I hear the word breastfeeding.

No where, in any book or article, did I ever read, “P.S. Breastfeeding is Freaking Insane.”

Because it is.

That mom in the rocking chair is smiling because she has no idea what’s ahead. She read the same books I did.

Princess currently has 12 teeth. She likes to “talk to me” while she nurses. I am constantly reminding myself that she won’t bite me because she’s a “friendly little piranha” that I have raised since birth. She would NEVER bite the tit that feeds her… oh, but she has. And, thankfully for her, mommy’s hormones are so off balanced that I simply say, “Oh no, no, no. No bite mama.” and give her my boob back, trusting she totally gets what I am saying and doesn’t chomp down, leaving me rushing to the ER with a nipple on ice. WTF?

Oh, wait, that’s not even the crazy part. Princess also has this incredible ability to latch on at any given time. Seriously. Every morning, getting dressed, I have to remember to put a shirt on first or when I lean over to pull on my pants, Princess latches on. She will then attempt to walk across the room, while nursing. Umm, NO. But she tries. Princess also LOVES nursing while trying to slide down my legs and dangle; still attached. Did you know that babies can do 360 Jump Spins without detaching from the breast? They can and they will.

Another thing that mom in the rocking chair has no clue about is the squeezing of the breast to help get the milk out, with long, sharp nails cutting her tender flesh. If the squeezing isn’t enough, she also will be surprised when little “Junior” starts slapping her repeatedly, over and over, to the point that she will have a bruise. By this age, the mom in the rocking chair has basically been scalped 3x by sweet darling “Junior” and she has learned to always have her hair tied in a bun or she will have to cut it short.

Breastfeeding is fucking insane.

Seriously why do we do this?
For me it’s because I’m lazy. When I cook or bake, I don’t measure. I loosely follow recipes. I am not about to set up and schedule a baby to eat 20 times a day. I am not going to measure their intake of food in ounces. Let’s be real here for a minute: I’ve been doing this awhile and I still don’t know the proper ounces per feeding.

You know what else those books forget to mention? They forget to mention the fact that “on demand feeding” really means you will be whipping out your boob anywhere, anytime, and in front of anyone. If you try to fight this, your baby will tear your clothes off while screaming like a rabid Pterodactyl, so submission is your best bet.

Here’s my list of places I’ve nursed to keep my little piranha peaceful and happy; I’m sure I have blocked a few from memory.

• Parked in the Car at the Grocery Store, Rest Area, Bank, Gymnastics, Soccer
• School Assemblies, Concerts, and Classrooms.
• PTA and other similar type of meetings
• Costco, Hannaford’s While Shopping AND Pushing the Cart
• On the Floor in the Ribbon Aisle of A.C. Moore
• On the Toilet
• On the Sidelines of Various Sporting Events
• At Every Playground
• Standing in Line at Various Establishments
• The DMV
• While Giving a Tour of My House
• Walking on the Bike Path
• On a Dog Walk
• While Sewing
• In the Base Lodge of a Ski Resort
• At the Base of a Ski Slope
• Sitting on a Tractor
• On the Beach
• In the Lake
• On a Boat
• Hiking
• While Reading Stories at Bedtime
• While Watching Family Movies
• During Dinner, at Home and in a Restaurant
• In a Field
• While Swinging
• In the Shower
• Getting my Hair Done
• While [trying to] Having Sex
• While Cooking Dinner
• On a Hay Ride
• At the Museum
• At the Farm Stand
• Camping
• While Painting
• Every Single Time I Try to Write an Article
• Multiple Department and Clothing Stores
• Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, New York, Rhode Island, Massachusetts and Canada